Ma'toi
by Darkest-Infatuations
Summary: When Spock watches his friend die, he forces himself to come to terms with his emotions.


Those blue eyes have always known how to pierce me. How to elicit the emotion I had successfully locked away for years. They made feel things I had never felt before. They forced me to question how human I actually am.

So beautiful. So clear. I have long thought over the phrase, "The eyes are the windows to the soul", and found no solid evidence until I met James T. Kirks' eyes for the first time. Cerulean orbs as bright as the Earths' sky, as sharp and calculating as my own. They were usually so full of energy, contentment, wit.

Now, they are only filled fear, pain, and a terrible longing I know too well.

"I'm scared, Spock."

My eyes widened fractionally, my chest lurching violently, the emotional playback of Pikes last moments hitting me. My own emotions sent me through free fall.

_Desperation. Guilt. Fear. _

_**Love. **_

I had tried to suppress any feeling for him with the force I had suppressed all others and more. I should have known, it is illogical to attempt to control what cannot be controlled. It is illogical to ignore what is. It was illogical to try to push my feelings for him aside. It was illogical to ignore his feelings.

Illogical to allow my fear to control me.

The emotions I saw in his eyes had no place there. He does not deserve to feel these things.

I should be there. Not him.

"Help me not be."

His words cut through me, forcing me to look down. My eyes clouded, muscles going rigid, the pain within my chest swelling to new heights.

There was a 47.34% chance I interpreted his feelings wrong due to my own. His feelings could have been misplaced. I-

"How do you choose not to feel?" He wheezed. I shook my head.

I would not lose this precious chance.

"I do not know." His eyes were downcast, so full of a horrible, blank sadness.

"Right now, I am failing." He wavered, stunned, his eyes returning to my own, filled with so much **hope.**

"I want you to know why I couldn't let you die." His eyes filled with an indescribable emotion I had not seen within them before. Something raw, agonizingly soul-felt.

Something I suddenly realized, I would only get to see once.

"Why I went back for you." It clicked into place.

That emotion was **love**.

_**For me.**_

"Because you are my friend." A tear fell from my eyes, as lost within the universe as I felt. He nodded, looking away. That sadness filled his eyes once more.

_But never again._

He reached out toward me; the glass prevented him. Without hesitation, I placed my own against the glass, fingers outstretched in the ta'al. _Peace._

I looked at our hands longingly as he moved his fingers to mirror my own. Could he know what it meant in Vulcan culture? That they would be engaging in an intimate act if the glass disappeared?

I moved my eyes back to his face; he gazed, enraptured, at our hands, tears sparkling in his eyes and a smile on his face. The pain within me swelled once again, even sharper as he looked back to me, looking upon me as if I had made his entire life worth living.

How could anyone look at me with such adoration? How could he when I had hurt him?

His mouth opened, but his eyes clouded with fear.

_**No.**_

"Jim," I whispered. Again, the hope in his eyes diminished his fear, even quelling my own.

How could I have been so _**illogical**_?

"Because you love me." I could not stop more tears from falling, my breath trembling in my throat as I lowered my shields voluntarily for the first time.

I had never felt so loved.

His face twisted, eyes closing as the emotions overtook him, tears running down his cheeks. _Elation. Joy. Safety._

_**So much love.**_

His eyes opened again, he gave a strangled cry that made my guts twist as he turned, moving closer to the glass, facing me.

"Spock," he gasped.

"Kiss me."

The pure want that flowed from him numbed my senses, rolled the sharp pains to a dull ache. I could not stop my body from leaning forward to comply with his wish.

The glass was cold, but the energy coming from Jim set my powerful nerves aflame, the delicious temptation fueling me to push all my emotions outward, to make him know I felt so much for him. Felt too much to control.

The insanely intense wave of awe and acceptance pushing back into my mind told me of my success. I pressed harder against the glass with my hands, pressing my lips against it further, cursing the very molecules that stood between us.

I wrenched my desperate lips away, bowing my head, forcing myself to accept that I could not hold him. I could not fill my need to physically confirm my love for my destined, to map the plains of his mouth, to run my hands along his own. My bonding cortex burned, twisting and dancing along my mind, with an intensity I had never felt before, even when being bonded with my arranged. The knowledge struck me savagely.

This was a moment I would remember for the rest of my life.

_The moment I found my T'hy'la._

Finally in control of myself, I looked back up as he fell against the side of the chamber once more, gasping chokedly in pain.

My own pain lurched within my chest again as he looked at me, tears staining his cheeks, pupils blown wide. A brilliant, small, true smile on his face. The image burned into my memory instantly, and time seemed to slow down, somehow, as impossible as it is.

Alarm washed over me as his psi-field faded and his eyes began to cloud over.

"T'hy'la. Do not leave me," I whispered desperately.

His eyes drifted away from my own, muscles going lax as his psi-field disappeared completely.

"T'hy'la?"

I could no longer feel my heart beat, nor hear the air passing through my lungs as I watched his hand fall. I was suffocating. I could not breathe.

I could only see his cold, dead eyes.

Rage peaked violently, my vision swirling at the edges.

_Who?_

Jim is gone.

_Who has taken my T'hy'la from me?_

Visions, of empty ice eyes and long obsidian hair. Inhuman strength yet human all the same, of blackness and the words, the simple syllables echoing in my mind.

_None of you are safe._

My brain began to pump out chemicals at an alarming rate, his sensory perception becoming alarmingly sharp, muscles expanding in preparation of retaliation.

_I will kill your captain._

"KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNN!"


End file.
